2016 In Review

Dear 2016, I want you to know, how much you have sucked for me this year. In point form:

1. My borderline behavior, made me engage in conversations with a professional that was wrong. I was in the wrong to engage in those conversations, and yet, you took a member of the community who was supposed to be there to protect people, and made him a person who cannot be trusted in the helping profession.
2. My borderline behavior, caused me to fear of being abandoned by another member of the community, who is there to protect people. Unfortunately, I engaged in behavior that made him think I was stalking him and his team. 
3. I suffered from physical pain and embarrassing diarrhea. It has not been until recently that I have been diagnosed with Celiac Disease.
4. You made my Aunt sick. And she's dying. You are taking away people I love.
5.  My cat got sick, I couldn't afford to find out what was wrong with him. It was obvious that Buddy was in pain, and because of that, I had to kill my best friend.
6. I suffered many mental health issues, that landed me three hospital trips, two for a lengthy stay.
7. You took away my time to volunteer with my son. At an event that we have enjoyed and taken great pride in volunteering together at for many years. At the same time, we lost a great time to spend together. Free of charge and enjoy a wonderful event.
8. You took away a boy from our community. You took his life. His potential. His skills.
9. You took away my community. My neighbors who I love and I have worked hard to make relations with, to love, help, lift up, and show them that, I care for them.

I am sure there is a lot more that I can add in there. But at the moment, that's all I can think of. On the plus side, these are the things you gave me.

1. The power to learn more about Human Rights in Canada, and how to stand up for my human rights.
2. The opportunity to learn about the injustices that are taking place in Calgary and Alberta, and learning how to take action to change this.
3.  You have given me a great Twitter support group, people who understand me and my diagnosis, and share and learn skills to cope with my diagnosis. You can join us at @OffficialBPDChat
4. You have shown me @SPSMChat this year. The ability to connect with people in suicide prevention in social media. And hopefully, help people who are thinking of ending their lives, by sharing my life experiences.
5. You gave me a bigger community to work with. To support, to love, to share, and to grow with.
6. You gave me the power, to share my story to the world. To stand up as an Ambassador, for Calgary, to end poverty. I hope, that I can be stronger and more powerful towards this important cause in 2017.
7. You've shown me, how much I am loved. By my family, friends, and strangers.
8. How impactful I can be, to someone who listens and cares. Me, who I think is no one, impacted 1 person to share at a National Suicide Convention, four simple words. "Is It Worth It?" Thank You Bart Andrews, for thinking that I, a tiny person from Calgary, can take those four letters, and share it among others. As I have stated to a close friend, Carl Dunn, who has reminded me, that I am worth it. That I can make a difference. That I, as tiny as I am, can make a difference to not just one, but hundreds, to thousands of people.
9. I have been frequently been reminded this year, that I am not having enough fun in my life. So I dedicate 2017, to spend more time, having fun, with my family and friends. I have missed my son so much, and vow to spend more time with him.

Unexpected Surprises

This has been a very rough and challenging time. I shall be brutally honest in this blog, as I always am and try to be.

1. I have an Aunt who is palliative.
2. I have had to wait 8 months for a psychiatrist.
3. I have $83 in my bank account
4. I was supposed to die on Monday.

Yes. I have been planning my funeral for a while. Making all of the details. Those horrible thoughts came back into my mind so I made out the details.

1. Music.
2. Will.
3. Who will perform the funeral?
4. Where will I be buried.

I told some people. See, living causes me anxiety and stress. There was a piece of happiness, calm, and peace to know that I was going to die.

I did my research. Collected the right kind and amount of pills.

I have a friend that I think kind of knew that I was saying goodbye. She inadvertently made me commit to something the night I was going to die. So I had to live for at least another week.

The week got better. On Wednesday the Police and Crisis Team (PACT) came to see me. They were a little helpful, but not as much as I needed.

That night I had an information session on the Savings Circles program at Momentum Calgary.   http://www.momentum.org/ I am hoping to get into this program as it will help me save for education for my poverty reduction work, and/or a laptop for education/advocacy work.

Thursday morning, before I left for my psychiatrist's appointment, I found out that I WON $500 from http://www.unexpectedexpenses.ca/

WHAT a beautiful and #unexpectedsurprise

Thursday I finally, and I seriously mean finally, met with the psychiatrist I have patiently waited 8 months for. (After suffering stress induced psychosis, almost losing my job, and life). I was able to connect well with him and that was a huge relief.

Yesterday, my parents, son and I went down to Fernie to visit my palliative Aunt. She is and has been a blessing to our family. Her pain is managed and she is in good spirits, it's hard to say goodbye to a loved one.

I know there are more people who care about me and want me to live.I have just slowly cut them out. Avoided them because I knew if they got to know me, they would miss me when I died, so I withdrew so they could not feel that pain.

So, I guess for today, I take my blessings as they have come this week, NOT my problems.

1. Got extra $$ even though I can't take all of the $500 I must give some to charity otherwise it will affect my income through Alberta Works. And me being someone with chronic pain and limited use of being able to work, I must take what I can receive, until I get into Chronic pain centre and can support myself full time.
2. Be blessed that I have my parents who can take me to Fernie to see my palliative Aunt.
3. Be blessed that those 4 people I told of my suicide are my friends, and even though I kind of hate them at times, I know why they try to keep me alive.
4. My neighbor got a wish. A long time wish that she very well deserves and I am so very happy for her. You will find out more about her wish in May.
5. I connected with a great psychiatrist.
6. My son wants to spend some time with me on Monday!! Christmas decorating and music with him!! I've missed him so much!!

#yyc can be a good place to live. There ARE people who care (even the unexpected people). If you just hold on.....for one more day.....things might go your way.

JUST HOLD ON

Shitty

That's the name of today's blog post. Shitty.

Because that's literally what it is for me in poverty right now.

Once again, I woke up this morning. I did not want to.

Every thought, feeling, being in my body right now wants to not wake up ever again.

Not because I don't love people, or because the world has treated me crappy, but because I'm so very, very tired. I'm not sure I have the strength to fight anymore.

I believe with all of my heart and soul The Enough for All strategy. If I did not I would not have agreed to be an ambassador for this. But how do I, be an effective ambassador for Enough for All, when I struggle hourly, to have enough for me?

Yesterday, I woke. To numbness. Not feeling.i

I have three aunt's who are sick. That do not live in Calgary. One is terminal.

Me, I have $20 in my bank account, and am struggling with health issues.

Preliminary blood work has shown signs of celiac disease. I have suffered for months now of explosive diarrhea. This is my shame. I have accidents. It's a shitty experience, quite literally, that's why the title of this.

So I've been referred to a gastroenterologist, to do a scope. Another wait list. Like the wait list for the chronic pain centre, like the wait list for the psychiatrist.

What the hell do I do when my Aunt dies? I don't have money to wash my clothes.

Christmas is coming, how do I get presents for my son. My precious son, who has worked so hard this year and has become such a fine young man.

So I guess the only real thing I can do for this #enoughforall campaign right now, is to be bluntly honest. Poverty sucks folks. Poverty is literally shitty folks. We have #enoughforall in #yyc, now let's do something about it.

I attended a dance last week, and the person who hosted was someone in a bigger political position than I was, and am. The thing he told me, was that he appreciated my tweets, because it reminds him of how life really is for every day Calgarian's. THIS is why I refuse to be silenced. I never knew he actually listened, or cared. Thank You for caring Joe Ceci. For encouraging me.

Let's quite talking and stand up, speak out, talk hard and steal the air!!

People are dying.

Dignity in Poverty

I attended an event last night. A Community Development Leadership Workshop in Calgary.

I was amazed at the turn out. And pleasantly surprised at the various amount of people who came.

I won't speak on behalf of the group I was with, but on my personal opinion of it.

I loved the Introduction part of it:

1. Form in groups of what area of the city you live in
2. Form in groups of where you were born.
3. Form in groups of if you are here as students, professionals, etc..

The group that I was in spoke of Dignity when you live in poverty.

Here's a simple image that a great friend, Nigel Kirk, a fantastic homeless advocate shared with me:

Take away assumptions, I worked at a medical clinic as a receptionist to vulnerable clients. One day we had a gentleman come in who was slurring his words and smelled like beer. Thankfully, my co-worker recognized the signs of a diabetic having low blood sugar. I didn't know and assumed he was under the influence.

Me, I hate charity. Last year I asked a friend if there was any opportunities to babysit their kids so I could make some money to get my son a Christmas present. He said, "What does he want?" I said, "This and this." He said, "I'll pick it up for you." I said, "No thanks, If I don't earn the money myself, it's not a gift from me, his mom!"

Sharing my experiences yesterday was hard, very hard. I'm hoping people listened. Not just listened though. But Listened, Learned, and will share and ACT from hearing from yesterdays workshop.

It is so important, because it's a part of having Enough for All in #yyc. That includes dignity, respect, and basic Human Rights!

My brain on Trust

This has been a horrifying rough month for me. Particularly a bad year.

The last year I have trusted people I should not have (at least that's how I feel by how they've treated me).

I've let people in, who have done what everyone has done my whole life, and then they've abandoned me.

I've tried to do what is in everyone else's best interests, but my own, and I've been back stabbed by them.

This last month, I have had to put my cat down.

Experienced stress induced paranoia.

Am tied up in legal issues.

Have lost my supports who are SUPPOSED to be there to support me. Agencies who are supposed to be doing what is in MY best interest.

Have had a great friend, who has crossed boundaries, and put them back in place. Crossed them, only to put them back again. I know he was doing what he thought was in my best interest. I know he cares about me as a person and as a friend. I hope he won't abandon me.

Again, part of that was my fault. I shouldn't have trusted, crossed those boundaries, allowed those boundaries to be crossed.

I'm hurt, scared, terrified. I know we'll remain friends, I just have to process this. Because right now.....I want to use a knife to cut myself. Drink Vodka to numb the intensity of the pain I feel.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills I know. I know them. They're valuable. Using the skills do take a lot longer to bring those emotions down.

I know it's right to use the skills, I know it's "wrong" to use the bad coping skills.

I have not yet decided, which one I will use. I still have commitment's to take care of today.

I'll decide after those are done.

Spoken Word

I am an amateur. But these are the snippets of thoughts that have come that I have had to write down.

"To dream, perchance you say? On a Calgary Transit Ctrain."

(Written on my way back from a meeting after spending night at hospital with neighbor.)

 "I am Enough when I do all the right things,
I conform to what is the majority.
I shall try to respect myself more in the future to come,
As for now, I am having way too much fun!
Erin, what HAVE you gotten me into?"

(When I am judging what I say in my poetry.)

"Good Morning, my name is BPD,
And I've come to haunt you today.
Hide those pills, knife and bottle you see,
So that my scars don't become, you're reality."

(Don't remember when I wrote this, but it's common on a daily basis.)

"Oh my, where have you gone?
I've lost the control that I once had,
I need to be controlled right now,
So that I may not go, straight to hell"

(Feeling out of control)

 "I am a mother, and my job you see;
Is not to be your friend, or let you sleep in till 3.
My job is to teach you, how to grow up,
So you can be independent, and have a family and stuff.
I do not judge others how they raise their own,
This is just my own, personal belief.

See, Here I am, fighting justice on my own,
If I were a stripper, what would my stripper name be?
Why I think City Hall Hooker, would work very well for me.
I get up and tell my story, stripping my soul;
Like most of those people, who want a suite in their home."

(When reading about affordable housing, and the things I've heard in council meetings.)

 "And like a flash, there it's gone,
that happy feeling, a moment ago;
dropped like a bomb,
with young lives lost in the storm."

(After I heard of three, YES, 3. Young lives lost to suicide. The oldest, 14! RIP)

"What in the world is wrong with me?
I'm engaging in conversation that increases,
my social anxiety!
What did the doc call it schizophrenic psychosis,
Oh no, wait. it was Stress induces psychosis.
I remember now, I forgot to take my pills,
Where the fuck IS my seroquel?
WHERE the fuck is my seroquel?
WHERE the FUCK is my seroquel?
WHERE the fuck IS my seroquel?
Wait, maybe I need to sit down and breathe!
In through nose, hold for 4,
and breath out of 8, NOW, where are my pills?"

(An exhausting day of forgetting to take my pills, and doing tasks outside of my comfort range.)

"One day, I'll get better at this spoken word art,
right now, I'm a beginner, just trying to find my....voice that was lost." 

Enough!

It is now 3 days away from Poverty Talks spoken art performance on "Enough" to mark International Day to Eradicate Poverty.

As I look back over the last month, I am taken aback and stunned, at the accomplishments that the group has made.

I see one strong aboriginal woman, who has gone through a great deal of hardship and turmoil in her life. But I also see her healing through this. She is finding her voice by telling her story. She has brought me to tears. I trust that this has helped her.

I see a 15-year-old girl. Who has had to take on so many responsibilities at such a young age. Not because she did not have parents who didn't love her or didn't care. But because there was turmoil with her sibling. Now she grows, and finds her voice and her strength by finding her truth.

This is what Poverty Talks is all about. Helping people find their voices. Helping them become active, engaged, and united. That is a part of what having Enough is.

A feeling of love, belonging, and acceptance. No matter who you are.

There are many of us. Sharing our stories, our voices, our truth.

I do look forward to this. I hope others look forward to this.

Most of all, I hope this changes peoples minds, opens hearts, and brings changes.

 If you are interested in joining this event, you can register at Eventbrite here:

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/enough-spoken-word-to-mark-international-day-to-eradicate-poverty-tickets-27764797256

I'd like to thank Vibrant Communities Calgary, poet Erin Dingle, poet Laureate, Knox Presbyterian Church,  Alex Community Food Centre, New Scoop YYC, and any partner that I may have forgotten.

It is with collaboration from all parties that will make this event so successful, I am grateful for this.

See you Monday!

Suicidal Poetry

I am not saying that this is right, or wrong. It just was. My thoughts at that moment.

"Look at him you selfish bitch,
are you going to take that gun and run?
Leave him as an orphan,
and let him think he was never loved?

Gun in one hand, Pills in the other,
If that cop stops you,
You'll shoot at him and finish yourself off after!

My life is full of disappointments, hatred, frustration, and fear,
I have to stop this urge to kill others, and myself to boot.

Homicide, suicide, murder, and robbery,
This isn't the good life, it's the fucked up life!"

Amber Cannon

Helful coping Skills for family and friends

This was a hot topic yesterday in #BPDChat. How can friends/family help you when you are in crisis?

What can they do and say to help you get through that, that is helpful and not more harmful?

Well, when I'm at the start of crisis, I guess the most important question for people to ask me is:

Where is your ICE Amber?

This is called TIP, an acronym for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing.

T - Temperature change:  This is where the ICE comes for me. 

What is effective for me is to just grab some ice or an ice pack and place it on my wrists or neck or forehead.

When I'm in an extremely emotional state of mind I essentially stop thinking rationally.

They say that in order to get ourselves to a place of being capable of processing information, we must find a way to essentially "reset" the nervous system. Fortunately, all mammals have something called the "mammalian diving reflex" that forces the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to kick in, which functions to relax and calm us down.

Reflex is activated by icy cold water (not freezing) on the face. In particular, the icy cold water must hit the parts of the face just below the eyes and above the cheekbones for the dive reflex to be activated.

Suggest:

- Fill a bowl of icy cold water

- bend/lean over

- hold your breath

- put face in icy cold water for 30 seconds

- make sure the area underneath eyes/above cheekbones (most sensitive part of the face feels the icy water.

Or any icy cold gel mask over/around the eye area.

CAUTIONS of using this technique:

1. Activating the dive reflex slows the heart rate, so anyone with heart problems or a slow heartbeat should avoid this strategy. 
2. Those with eating disorders should avoid activating the dive reflex, as this is dangerous for the heart.

Benefits of using:

Provides immediate relief and is intended to get you into a functional state of mind where you are capable of using problem-solving skills to solve the intense problem at hand.

I - Intense exercise: I don't use this due to physical issues.

P - Paced Breathing: This works for me just after I use the ICE. What is helpful is the 4, 7, 8 breathing. I breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, hold my breath for 7, and exhale deeply through mouth for 8.

By this time I can move on to other things because I am thinking more rationally and move on to self-soothing techniques that work for me.


Don't tell me it this crisis moment that "everything is going to be ok", or that "I am loved." or that "This too shall pass". This is not helpful when I'm in crisis. I cannot rationalize. Once I calm down listen to me, validate me, and use respectful language.

This is MY safety plan. And this is how my family and friends can help me.

It is different and works differently for everyone.

Woes of having Borderline

It's been a bad few weeks. A very bad few weeks.

Not eating, having health issues. Family member who is very sick. Putting my cat down.

I've tried to cope the best that I can, with the skills that I have. But I falter still.

The four main things that are taught in DBT Skills are:

1. Get proper sleep
2. Eat 
3. Take Medication 
4. Avoid alcohol or drugs

Here's my problem lately to maintain these four basic skills.

1. I have sleep apnea. I require a CPAP machine to get rest. Without it I do not go into REM sleep.
2. I live in poverty. I cannot afford to eat 3 meals a day when my body is normal. My body has not been normal lately. I have stomach pain after I eat, massive diarrhea, and I won't go into the emberassing stuff because it shames me.
3. I try to take my medication every day. I must admit, sometimes I fail at this. 
4. I don't do drugs. But last Saturday, I drank. I drank and took pills. Not enough to do the job properly, but I took them.

I'm trying my best with what I have. And I've had to put my cat down because he was sick. I'm having housing issues, and am in physical pain every day. All while trying to do my best for my community and my city.

Abandonment is a huge issue for people with my diagnosis. So while in the process of making friends, allies, really good people who have helped me in times of crisis, are also the people that I drive away.

For those I've driven away recently, please understand I'm trying my best. I will start to look after me and take care of me, so that I can be healthy for my family, friends, community, and city.

I hope that you can forgive me, and know that my diagnosis, is not who I am, it's the side effects of the diagnosis.

I hope that we can be friends and allies together. Because we ARE in this together.

Enough in motion

One of our assignments yesterday with Erin Dingle was to write about who we want our audience to be on National Day to Eradicate Poverty. These were some of my answers:

The United Nations
The Honorable Premier Justin Trudeau
David Swann
Joe Ceci
Mayor Nenshi
Tim Richter
John Rook
Paul Born
Prince William
Brad Pitt
Christian Slater
President of the United States
Marsha Linehan
CTV, CBC, BBC, Global television
Ellen Degenres
Walmart Canada
Suncor Energy
Imperial Oil
All of yyc council
And the United Way.

People who could hear our stories. Get our message to them. And hopefully, make change happen.
Poverty is a humanitarian issue, and people in Canada deserve better. My son and his family and children, and EVERYONE deserves, better.

They deserve Enough, because they are deserving Enough.

Letter to Poverty

As an exercise yesterday, I was asked to write a letter to poverty, this was my letter as of yesterday:

Dear Poverty,

FUCK YOU! You're such a fucken asshole. How dare you! How dare you make me feel ashamed and worthless and a piece of shit? How dare you make me feel like a burden and make me slash my wrists, or take those pills, or provoke police to shoot me?

How dare you make me not smile at men and make me feel like I'll NEVER be good enough or smart enough to associate with them? WHY is MY son NOT worth food and love and Christmas presents to you?

Why do you kick me the fuck down and bury me deeper in your dark pit of a hole?

Why are you making me KILL my fucken cat? MY CAT!!! The one who loves and comforts me?

The one who's kissed me in all of my scars and suicidal mess?

FUCK YOU!!

Affordable Childcare

Not only is affordable housing a necessity in my city of Calgary, so is the need for affordable child care. Here is the reality I see in my neighbourhood of Lincoln Park, a community mostly of people who live in affordable housing.

This morning I dealt with a 5-year-old boy in my neighbourhood. He had been beating up on other kids. When I went to the home, it was his teenage brother and sister looking after him. Mom was at work.

Earlier another neighbour had told me that the kids were out of school today. She wondered how she would get a job with a one year old baby and her son going to Kindergarten. If she put them in Daycare, the money she brought in would not be enough to pay for the child care, let alone food, rent, etc...

Last week I sat down with another mom in the community. She asked if I could watch her kids every Friday as they have half days that day, she has a full-time job. Plus the kids have many parent teacher days, again, day care is not affordable. I have watched kids in my neighbourhood before, and the need is growing more and more.

Parents with multiple children are leaving it up to the older children to watch the younger ones, as it is just too expensive for day care.

I remember this as a night shift clerk working at a gas station. What day care is open during the night to watch your child?

A 14-year-old boy where I work, comes in every day to get food for his siblings. He is the responsible shopper, the one who looks after his family. He should be doing sports, recreation, enjoying his adolescence. He is such a responsible, polite young man, I wish I could do more for him.

I can't watch every child in my community, so how do we access the assets in every community to fix this issue? Because I know that it's happening all over Calgary. Parents and children are suffering. I see, hear, and feel the anguish parents are going through. And I see the lack of being what you are supposed to be as a youth.

Can't we do better Calgary?

Why I'm leaving my Community Association

After serving two years on the board as Lincoln Park Liaison with the Rutland Park Community Association, many community members have been asking me why I am stepping down.

I want to tell you about my experiences while on the board, why I initially joined, why I am leaving, and why I hope for this work to continue.

To start, why I joined. I saw an interest. The President of the Community Association (CA) saw value in the community, the work we were doing, and took an interest. For me, I wanted to see more engagement from surrounding community, regular events taking place for people who struggled to afford it at the hall, and the stigma of my neighborhood lessen.

My experiences: Almost completely amazing. All board members have treated me with dignity, respect, and take my ideas into serious consideration. They have listened, encouraged, and supported me. There have been a few disheartening moments.

On September 26, 2016, the parents, kids, artist, the Calgary Foundation, Calgary Housing Company, our Calgary Police Community Resource Officer our City Councillor, our MLA and our community gathered for an unveiling celebration of our communities "Painting Hope" project. All board members of the CA were aware of this and not a single board member showed up. That discouraged and angered me.


A few other issues came up, such as communication. But not within the board itself. By the Calgary Housing Company, City of Calgary social worker, Bethany Chapel, and the CA. There were tons of things going on in the community that the board had no idea about, and that even I, had no idea about, because there was no communication.

Also as soon as I started to trust and develop a good working relationship with a City of Calgary worker, they would leave and we'd have to start all over again.

The board and the social event coordinator worked extremely hard on bringing in events to the CA, unfortunately, the CA hall has limited space. So we looked for our community assets outside of the hall.

There has been a lot of success. Of new spaces taking on different projects to create community in our neighbourhood.

Now why I am leaving. During my initial start of joining the board. I had finally started to develop a good working relationship and trust with an organisation I used to hate. We worked on community events together, we solved problems together, and through that organisation there were some digital communication experts to speak with.

Unfortunately, the community worker with the organisation moved, I was left with a new person. The communication with the digital experts I began to depend on, and things spiralled out of control.

I won't, and cannot go into details. Let's just say there was errors on both sides of this. Mine and them. It ended with me being banned from all of their events. So, to work with my community in a healthy way, I have to communicate with this organisation, and now I cannot.

My lawyer has informed me that I cannot go into details, so I apologise for that. It leaves a lot of questions unanswered.

The reasons why I am leaving are many.

1. I want my community to be healthy, productive, thrive, and excel. I do not feel I can help with this anymore.
2. From what I understand, I have been the first Calgary Housing tenant to sit on a community board and be a liaison.
3. Our time in Calgary Housing is limited, it is time for another tenant to take over and become a leader for our community. For me to stay on, is defeating what I want to see done, my neighbours become leaders.
4. Because I have been banned and cannot work with this organisation in a healthy, respectful, positive role; I do my community a disservice, and I am not willing to do that.

What I hope for my community:

1. That they will continue to see the value in having a Lincoln Park liaison on the board.
2. That they will treat them with the same respect, courtesy, and value as they have done with me.
3. That the communication will improve among all members.
4. That the community thrives and we are all more involved in community events as a whole.

I do not regret my time with the board. They have been a fabulous team to work with. It had it's ups and downs. As a CHC tenant, I can say that I had been personally attacked by community members while on the board, but I would do it, all over again.

It's just time to move on.

World Suicide Prevention Day

So, in a little under 2 hours time it is World Suicide Prevention Day, or #SuicideAwarenessDay.

Just a few thoughts, of course I have many more.

I will write to you about how I, as a person with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder explained here:  and major depression episodes, as a person who lives in poverty, and as a person who has lost people who I have loved, feel about this day. I can only speak to you about my own experience, because every single person, experiences life, feelings, and everything they encounter differently.

To begin: I was 15 when I first attempted suicide. In Junior High School. I took all of the pills that I could gather up and brought them with me to my school. I took them all, in the bathroom basement of that school. I went to a few classes after that. Don't ask me what I felt or remember, because I do not. I was in a haze, for the rest of that day.

Later that night I went to my best friends house, I remember that she asked me what was wrong and that she took me to the doctor's office. The doctor called my parents who I believe came and took me to the Foothill's hospital. In my fogged memory, I remember sitting in a room for hours until they came in and gave me charcoal, I spent a little over a week there and I don't believe I saw a psychiatrist at that time.

It was a few years later that I experienced my first encounter with someone who took their own life. I remember the heartbreak and the sorrow, seeing the devastation it caused people, but also understanding the idea, and the thought and feeling and desire to not want to live any more.

In people with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, 10% of people with the diagnosis successfully end up taking their lives. So far, I am lucky to be not one of those statistics. I don't know what the stats are of people with depression.

I can tell you, that the loss of a loved one carry through on their suicide plan, never stopped me from trying it again. Because I forget everything when I am in that state of mind. My thoughts are:

"This is the best thing for everyone, everyone is better off without me."
"I am a burden to society and by taking my life I will never be a burden again."
"Everyone hates me and I hate myself too, why go on? This will never get better."

Occasionally, I would cut myself. There is always that scar later on that will remind me every day just how ugly of a person I really am.

When a really good friend of mine took her own life I was actually jealous of her. How she could be brave enough to do that. Honestly, that was my thoughts and my feelings at the time.

I would talk to people, but....why bother? All they will tell me is those lies. "Things will be OK." "Those are lies." "Do you have anything to harm yourself?"

I would just like for people to say: "Yes, life does suck sometimes." "I can't understand what you are going through, but know that I will be here for you through this all."

Don't tell me my thoughts are "crazy", that I'm "attention seeking", that there is something "wrong" with me.

You see, it's a horribly dark, disturbing world there. And I have known a few people who have taken their lives. The family misses them, they love them. They will always love them.

I know that stats show that parent's who have taken their lives, their children have a higher chance of committing suicide in the future. My psychiatrist has told me this, nurses have told me this, police officers have told me this. It was not until I started my own intensive research that I believed their words.

Nevertheless, when you are in that dark horrible world, you honestly believe what your brain is telling you.

It's not that the person that took their life was not brave enough, or strong enough, or courageous enough. It's WHO they are while they were alive that matters.

But today is World Suicide Prevention Day. So all that I ask, from people for me when I feel this way.

1. Just be there to validate and support me. Don't tell me I need help or that I'm crazy or that there is something "wrong" with me.
2. Validate what I am going through. And listen. Don't tell me you "understand" unless you've actually felt it, experienced it, or been through it.

And for those that may be reading this, and are suicidal and/or thinking or planning their own suicide. I can say please don't. But who am I? Just hold on for one more day, reach out for help, and know that you are loved.

Even if you don't feel loved right now, or that supported right now, or you want to reach for help right now; pick up that phone, put down whatever you have that will take you from this world, and carry on, help is there.

I always play the song "Hold On." By Wilson Phillips. It tells you to carry on for one more day, and if that day comes and nothing is better, I play the song again the next day, until it is.

Benefits of Living in Poverty?

It sounds wrong, I know. But I'm tired of seeing all the tweets about everything that is wrong with poverty. The hardship, desperation, and stress.

Because I live in it, I can honestly see the benefits of living in poverty; because if you take the time to look, you will find it. Especially living in poverty in #yyc in 2016.

So, what are they? WHY would there be any reason to find the good in living in poverty. Well, here is ten reasons why:

1.  I live in close proximity to my neighbors. I know each of them by name. Which makes a greater social connection with others.
2.  My neighbors share their food. When they get an item at the food bank that they would normally not eat, they knock on my door and share their food.
3. We check up on each other. We know when someone is ill and to help them out when needed.
4. I am now an empty nester, but I am not. Every night the children knock on my door and we sit on the sidewalk and talk. Or play house, or join our hands with all the kids (and adults) and play Ring Around The Rosie. Although I am lonely, I am never alone.
5. When one of the neighbor kids is doing something wrong, I can discipline them! I don't mean beating on them. I mean telling them to cut out what they are doing wrong out. They listen, respect me and the parents back me up.
6. We are resourceful! We know what to do and where to go for the things we need.
7. We share joys and successes, sadness and grief.
8. We learn from each other! My neighbor has taught me how to grow fruits and vegetables.
9. I often get food from the neighbors, a plate of their cultural food. I learn to appreciate their countries dishes.
10. Governments are listening. They're not just listening, they're ACTING and making changes to better the lives of Canadian's.

I want this blog to be an active, positive, engagement with people. So tell the world, and me, what else do you learn/appreciate/love and value about the lived experiences of people who live in poverty?

Elder's Teachings with Vibrant Communities Calgary

It's amazing to me how much I see the world and people differently from when I was growing up.

You see, my mother's side of the family comes from four children. My Uncle Robert, My Auntie Shirley, My Auntie Donna, and my mom.

But within the last decade, I've realized how much your cultural background is very important to a family. You see, my Auntie Donna, was raised within my mother's family, but was a young woman from the Child Welfare System and came to my grandparent's home as a foster child.

See to me, I don't look at people as black or white, brown or oriental. I've always seen people as just plain Human Beings, this is still true.

But now I am beginning to realize it's just as important to take into consideration everyone's cultural heritage, and to honor that as well.

And thanks to Vibrant Communities Calgary, I have been given an opportunity to learn about many different cultural backgrounds through the Elder's Teachings they have put on this month.

Please see their website http://vibrantcalgary.com/ for more information, and mine (posted tomorrow) and others blogs that are posted on this. And issues regarding their work on  reduction, education, and activism on poverty reduction in Calgary.

I am grateful, and humbled. And have been given even more reason to search my heritage.

One - Point entry system

So here is my opinion on the one-point entry system brought to council regarding Affordable Housing Strategy.

This is complicated, so bear with me.

As with the Fare's Fair program regarding subsidy to Calgary services, this single point entry system will allow Calgarian's to put in one application, to all non-market Rental Housing.

While the applicant does not have to go from service to service and miss time from work just to find an affordable home to live in.

I can tell you my story and that of my neighbours.

I originally applied to Calgary Housing Company when I was 22 and pregnant. They denied my application form because I was living at home with my parents and needed an eviction before they would accept my application form.

Well, my parents are wonderful people. This meant writing a false eviction notice and committing fraud. Instead of writing an eviction notice they let me stay. When my son was roughly 6 months old I went back to school and took my Business Office Skills Diploma. I graduated and got a career as a receptionist and data entry clerk. I was able to pay off my student loan in a year and a half.

My grandparents aged and came to live with us. There were four generations under one roof. The company I worked for was bought out and the majority of staff was laid off. Just before this time I had leased a car.

So, to pay the bills instead of going back to work as a receptionist I went back to my old job as a cashier at a gas station. It was time for me to move out so I rented a one-bedroom apartment downtown, took on another full-time job, and moved out leaving my son with my parents.

Needless to say I quickly became burnt out and struggled with mental health issues. Working two full-time jobs is not easy, especially night shifts. I lost both of my jobs and ended up living out of my car for 9 months before getting into a women's shelter.

I got kicked out of the shelter because the facility did not offer me the help that I needed. I rented and shared accommodation and put my name on the Calgary Housing list. No agency told me about any other programs that would be able to help me. So i moved around. A LOT!

I applied in roughly 2004. On February 22, 2005 I wrote a heart wrenching letter to Calgary Housing as I had moved seven times in four years and the current place I was staying was looking to move.

My son said to me he was afraid he wouldn't be able to find his mommy one day. Because I had moved so much.

Unfortunately, because I had given my son to my parents for joint custody, I was a low priority on their waiting list. All that I wanted was stable housing to get my son back and raise him!

In march of 2005 I got a phone call asking me to come view a place. I was elated! My son was eight now. I stayed employed as a cashier for a while until I realized I was much smarter than this and went back to school for my Medical Office Assistant (MOA) Diploma. This wouldn't have been possible without affordable housing.

although i no longer work as an MOA due to a disability, i still do have my home and a wonderful community to live in.

A one-point application system might prevent others from losing their children, or give them easier access to all the non-market housing available to them. Applicants should be able to check off boxes on this application form as they should have the choice to put their name on any list available to them. There should be staff available to walk them through the application progress. People with lived experience should be a part of helping make that application form and consulted in that process!

After reading the 2011 Survey of Non-Market Rental Housing in Calgary, things are very complicated. Some facilities are only offered for specific market of people. For instance, Horizon Housing has 7 facilities or projects, I do believe that Horizon Housing only provides affordable housing for people experiencing mental health issues.

As a friend of mine, Mary S recently said:

"I think streamlining the process is a good idea, especially if the only thing a person is looking for is affordable housing. I too waited for 5 years on Calgary Housing's wait list. Looking back though I am glad I didn't get into Calgary Housing. I needed more help then what Calgary Housing could provide due to my mental illness to be able to live on my own successfully.

However I think there may be some problems doing it.

Horizon Housing society doesn't accept applications from directly prospective tenants (http://www.horizonhousing.ab.ca/tenants/faqs/

). They tenant applications through their network partners.

I can't speak for all of the ways prospective tenants can connect with their network partners, with exception for those who get into Horizon Housing through Canadian Mental Health Assoc. Apartment program.

Up until 3 1/2 years ago people with mental illness could apply directly to CMHA;s Apartment program.

I applied for housing with Canadian Mental Health Assoc. right at the same time the application process was being streamlined by Alberta Health Services Regional Housing program. I had to reapply through AHS Regional Housing program for a place to live. The streamlined process was designed to help people with mental illness have access to an affordable place to live in a supported environment. The con is/ was that people with mental illness don't get a choice of where they want to live (because it's provincial I could have been sent to another town that could have triggered my mental illness since I don't know anyone there.), and what agency they wanted to get support from. I just happened to be lucky. I was assigned a worker through CMHA's apartment program and an apartment that is close to where I volunteer.

The way my housing differs from someone who is subsidised through Calgary housing is that I got to follow Horizon Housing Society's rules and Canadian Mental Health Assoc. Apartment program rules. I got to meet with my supported living co-ordinator bi-weekly (or if I am struggling more often than that), I got to attend the bi-annual CMHA apartment program meetings at CMHA's head office, I got to take my meds on a regular basis as prescribed, I got to be working on my goals, if Horizon Housing staff think I am not fulfilling their requirements and they complain to CMHA about me I got to be willing to work with my SL co-ordinator to fix the problem. All of those things are on top of following Horizon Housing's rule about paying rent on time, cleaning my place, and being a good neighbour.

I hope that if the city decides to streamline the application process for housing, they only do it for those who are in need of affordable housing without any additional supports.

Horizon Housing network agencies are specialized in helping their clients maintain independence while living in an affordable home, city of Calgary isn't. That is why I think agencies that provide support should be the ones handling their clients application to live in a Horizon housing building."

Careful thought and consideration needs to be put in to this. This is a great start. But you do need to include people with lived experience to consult in this process.  As well as consider the laws regarding FOIP. 

As well, shelters should NOT be put on the affordable housing list. Shelters are a temporary place to stay, not an affordable home. (In my opinion)

We are a growing and diverse city. Why shame people multiple times into applying for 31 possible agencies? 31 days of work missed! For the working poor, this is unacceptable, unjust, and humanly degrading.

Rosedale resident concerns

Some of my best writing is when I am emotional about something, and after reading yesterday's tweets, I became emotional and angry.

Let me tell you about the people who live in affordable housing.

|There is 1 lady who has a daughter with Down Syndrome. She is tube fed. Mom cannot work and has so many doctor's appointment's to take her daughter to she won't be able to work.

Another neighbor has a job cleaning houses. She looks after her aging mother and I believe 3 or 4 children with a job that pays a little over minimum wage.

Another lady I met at a meeting last night has two teenage boys and works for Calgary Transit.

A lady down the street works 2 part-time jobs as a care worker. Has 2 children and is a single mom.

A few houses down from me is a lady who teaches people financial management.

Have we had our share of problems in our neighborhood? Yes. Like with any neighborhood. It is no different than living in Chestermere with a possible grow-up two houses down from you.

But we look after our yards. We look out for our neighbors. We do not cause problems.

All we want to do is live our lives the best we can with what we have. We want our children to have a safe, warm, loving place to grow up in. We want them to grow up to be healthy and productive citizens. We want to give them the best chance in life that we can.

Tell me, do these pictures of our yards look like they are not cared for? Tell me why it's not OK for us and our families to live in your neighborhood and amongst other contributing members of society?

I was disgusted and appalled by the comments of Rosedale residents I saw on Social Media. As a fellow Calgarian, I expected better by my fellow Calgarian's.

I know as a City and as a community we are better than stigma. Tell me, does this grass NOT look "taken care of"?

This is not representative of our Calgary.

Sliding Scale Transit Pass

On Wednesday I attended the The Standing Policy Committee on Community and Protective Services at City Hall.

The Standing Policy Committee on Community and Protective Services unanimously approved recommendations to implement a sliding scale for the low income transit pass for Calgarians with incomes below of 100% LICO. Additionally, the committee approved an amendment to Administration’s recommendations that could lead to a 95% subsidy rate off of the regular monthly transit pass for Calgarians who have incomes below 50% of LICO. 

Council Committee also expressed a desire to implement the full sliding scale (up to 130% of LICO) and approved a recommendation that Administration continue to seek funding opportunities to implement the full sliding scale.

What struck me the MOST during this meeting was Councillor Pootmans question of what happens to the people above the 100% LICO?

Well, what happens is this. You are no longer eligible for services. So you are now paying $99 a month for a bus pass to get to and from work. You no longer go to any Park and Recreation facility because you can no longer afford it. You are spending that money on transit fare now.

Or, you skip your morning breakfasts now. Because you are no longer eligible for the food bank, you cannot afford food in your stomach. Perhaps you are already iron deficient and your iron deficiency goes down further.

Your stress levels go up and your energy is low. You are isolated because you no longer take part in activities that you used to be able to do. You are skipping meals and/or not sleeping properly.

All of your energy is spent on getting to and from work, and maintaining and managing that employment. You can't go out and enjoy what used to be those social connections anymore.

Is there a higher chance of people falling back into the poverty line? YES. But getting people out of poverty is a fantastic starting point, and looking into helping people between the 100% to 130% line is ABSOLUTELY a must to help prevent them from falling back in to the LICO.

Councillor Carra made a very good point. Where are they advocates who fall above the LICO? Well, they're out at their jobs during council meetings. They don't have the time to take off work to attend. They are holding down 1, 2, 3, sometimes 4 jobs.

So my concern now is, how do I mobilize myself, and my community, to bring a voice for the people who fall just above the LICO? How do I make their voice heard?

I do want to thank the provincial government for the funds to be able to make this starting point work. Council for hearing the concerns of their citizens. Administration for bringing this forth to the Standing Policy Committe, and for the advocates that spoke at that meeting.

Now to go forward, in implementing this to our #yyc.

My Identity and how it relates to Abandonment

This is not going to be an easy blog to write. But if I need to write it out for my own sanity and to help educate others on why, then I must be once again brutally honest, without fearing whatever repercussion I might suffer from it.

He's abandoned me....for a little over a month now. A professional man who has engaged with me online for quite some time. I began to rely on him, for encouragement, validation, support, a listening ear. This was and is not his role.

So now that he has not spoken to me in over a month, I have lost my sense of self. Who I am. I am drastically trying to engage him in conversation and fear that it is bordering on harassment.

This is not the person I want to be. I feel crazy in doing this. And he probably thinks that I am crazy the more I try to engage with him.

I despise myself for the person I become in doing this, as I am sure and fear he despises me in this way as well.

I've asked him on multiple occasions how to engage properly....his response was. "I never said it was a problem, I just confirmed you engage a lot."

A little over a month before he stopped talking to me he asked me, "Why do I keep talking to him, and what is it that he could do for me?"

I responded with what he had done. My identity for so long was with the negative engagement I had with a certain professionalism, and for the last while, since our engagement, that negative engagement has turned into a more positive form. Who I was and am was identified as that.

Now that I have lost the positive engagement, I've lost a sense of who I am, and I don't know how to get that back.

As a person with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel abandoned. The first "symptom" in the DSM manual. I am desperately trying to avoid this, and I look and feel like a crazy person, someone I do not wish to be.

So how do I stop this? How do I  find my identity again without the engagement? I'll put this out there to the others with the diagnosis, what has helped you?

I think, if anything at all. I wish the opportunity to say goodbye in a healthy form, instead of just abruptly not engaging anymore. And I really wish, he could have provided the details to help me be more appropriate. Because if I don't know I am crossing over boundaries, how do I prevent this from happening in the future with others?

I'm sorry to him of all things. I never meant it to be like this. And I apologize to you profusely for being that person. Ultimately, I am responsible and I take full ownership of that. Please know I never meant any harm.

This is not fun, or funny. It's absolutely agonizing and painful. And I need to find a way to be normal and myself again. Because I'm not a bad person, but I certainly feel like one right now. And because I think and feel it, for me, that's a reality. It's time to think and feel that I am good, right, just, and valuable, without that engagement.

Wish Tree

The idea was simple really, One child puts their wish on a wish tree, and one person from the community makes that wish come true. So I put the idea and project out there, unknowingly if it would work or not. 

When I first introduced the idea I had no idea if 

1. I would be able to pull it off, and 

2. If I was doing the right things for the families in my community.

But I must say because of your generosity, support, kindness, and love for your neighbors. You were able to make this project a success in so many ways.

Before I had any kid’s wishes on the tree, I had 19 people willing to make a wish come true. This was after presenting the idea to Knox Presbyterian Church after giving a final project report for the Painting Hope project.

After informing the Community Association of the idea planned for our ‘hood, the board members thought it would be a good idea to make this a project of the Association, as people are more likely to donate to a trusted organization.

So I made up flyers, got children’s names, and put the word out to the community.

At the end we had 34 children between the ages of 0 – 18 signed up. 14 families in total. All 34 children had been “adopted” and Mary, the Community Development Coordinator at Bethany Chapel collected some money as well.

With the added money from Bethany, we decided to include board games to each family. Although I must admit, this was a little harder to pull off than I expected it would.

Funny thing is, everything happens at the right time. 2 days before I went to the mall to pick up the board games, my neighbor, the lady whose kids I watch on weekends had been adopted for Christmas. In her adoption package she got a gift card to Walmart, because she knew I had been struggling lately, she passed the gift card on to me, and I was able to use that to cover some of the cost of board games.

As well I volunteer for a group called Poverty Talks who works with Vibrant Communities Calgary (VCC), a few weeks before I went shopping Assembly (a co-working space in Kensington that hosts our monthly meetings) came in to give us a special presentation. Assembly introduced their Random Acts of Kindness (#RAK) campaign to us. They wanted to find a way to motivate people to give a little bit this holiday season so they put together a holiday giving guide and toolkit.
Included in this toolkit were Walmart gift cards and I used those as well to help cover the cost of board games.

The kids loved the gifts! And the project was a success! We had Santa come into my house on December 24, 2015 to give the gifts out to the kid's. They were thrilled and excited. Thanks so much to Katherine Leonard for being my elf with me and for Ben's father for being Santa Claus!

I want to thank you all for the wonderful generosity, love, care, and dedication you have for our community and the people who live in it.

Because of you, some families who may have had nothing for Christmas, were able to HAVE a Christmas. And without you, this couldn’t have been possible.

This is a fantastic idea for #givewhereyoulive, and that we may be able to have #enough4all in our local communities of #yyc.

I hope you all had a safe and wonderful Christmas, and all the best to year in 2016!