Helful coping Skills for family and friends

This was a hot topic yesterday in #BPDChat. How can friends/family help you when you are in crisis?

What can they do and say to help you get through that, that is helpful and not more harmful?

Well, when I'm at the start of crisis, I guess the most important question for people to ask me is:

Where is your ICE Amber?

This is called TIP, an acronym for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing.

T - Temperature change:  This is where the ICE comes for me. 

What is effective for me is to just grab some ice or an ice pack and place it on my wrists or neck or forehead.

When I'm in an extremely emotional state of mind I essentially stop thinking rationally.

They say that in order to get ourselves to a place of being capable of processing information, we must find a way to essentially "reset" the nervous system. Fortunately, all mammals have something called the "mammalian diving reflex" that forces the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to kick in, which functions to relax and calm us down.

Reflex is activated by icy cold water (not freezing) on the face. In particular, the icy cold water must hit the parts of the face just below the eyes and above the cheekbones for the dive reflex to be activated.

Suggest:

- Fill a bowl of icy cold water

- bend/lean over

- hold your breath

- put face in icy cold water for 30 seconds

- make sure the area underneath eyes/above cheekbones (most sensitive part of the face feels the icy water.

Or any icy cold gel mask over/around the eye area.

CAUTIONS of using this technique:

1. Activating the dive reflex slows the heart rate, so anyone with heart problems or a slow heartbeat should avoid this strategy. 
2. Those with eating disorders should avoid activating the dive reflex, as this is dangerous for the heart.

Benefits of using:

Provides immediate relief and is intended to get you into a functional state of mind where you are capable of using problem-solving skills to solve the intense problem at hand.

I - Intense exercise: I don't use this due to physical issues.

P - Paced Breathing: This works for me just after I use the ICE. What is helpful is the 4, 7, 8 breathing. I breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, hold my breath for 7, and exhale deeply through mouth for 8.

By this time I can move on to other things because I am thinking more rationally and move on to self-soothing techniques that work for me.


Don't tell me it this crisis moment that "everything is going to be ok", or that "I am loved." or that "This too shall pass". This is not helpful when I'm in crisis. I cannot rationalize. Once I calm down listen to me, validate me, and use respectful language.

This is MY safety plan. And this is how my family and friends can help me.

It is different and works differently for everyone.