My brain on Trust

This has been a horrifying rough month for me. Particularly a bad year.

The last year I have trusted people I should not have (at least that's how I feel by how they've treated me).

I've let people in, who have done what everyone has done my whole life, and then they've abandoned me.

I've tried to do what is in everyone else's best interests, but my own, and I've been back stabbed by them.

This last month, I have had to put my cat down.

Experienced stress induced paranoia.

Am tied up in legal issues.

Have lost my supports who are SUPPOSED to be there to support me. Agencies who are supposed to be doing what is in MY best interest.

Have had a great friend, who has crossed boundaries, and put them back in place. Crossed them, only to put them back again. I know he was doing what he thought was in my best interest. I know he cares about me as a person and as a friend. I hope he won't abandon me.

Again, part of that was my fault. I shouldn't have trusted, crossed those boundaries, allowed those boundaries to be crossed.

I'm hurt, scared, terrified. I know we'll remain friends, I just have to process this. Because right now.....I want to use a knife to cut myself. Drink Vodka to numb the intensity of the pain I feel.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills I know. I know them. They're valuable. Using the skills do take a lot longer to bring those emotions down.

I know it's right to use the skills, I know it's "wrong" to use the bad coping skills.

I have not yet decided, which one I will use. I still have commitment's to take care of today.

I'll decide after those are done.