Unexpected Surprises

This has been a very rough and challenging time. I shall be brutally honest in this blog, as I always am and try to be.

1. I have an Aunt who is palliative.
2. I have had to wait 8 months for a psychiatrist.
3. I have $83 in my bank account
4. I was supposed to die on Monday.

Yes. I have been planning my funeral for a while. Making all of the details. Those horrible thoughts came back into my mind so I made out the details.

1. Music.
2. Will.
3. Who will perform the funeral?
4. Where will I be buried.

I told some people. See, living causes me anxiety and stress. There was a piece of happiness, calm, and peace to know that I was going to die.

I did my research. Collected the right kind and amount of pills.

I have a friend that I think kind of knew that I was saying goodbye. She inadvertently made me commit to something the night I was going to die. So I had to live for at least another week.

The week got better. On Wednesday the Police and Crisis Team (PACT) came to see me. They were a little helpful, but not as much as I needed.

That night I had an information session on the Savings Circles program at Momentum Calgary.   http://www.momentum.org/ I am hoping to get into this program as it will help me save for education for my poverty reduction work, and/or a laptop for education/advocacy work.

Thursday morning, before I left for my psychiatrist's appointment, I found out that I WON $500 from http://www.unexpectedexpenses.ca/

WHAT a beautiful and #unexpectedsurprise

Thursday I finally, and I seriously mean finally, met with the psychiatrist I have patiently waited 8 months for. (After suffering stress induced psychosis, almost losing my job, and life). I was able to connect well with him and that was a huge relief.

Yesterday, my parents, son and I went down to Fernie to visit my palliative Aunt. She is and has been a blessing to our family. Her pain is managed and she is in good spirits, it's hard to say goodbye to a loved one.

I know there are more people who care about me and want me to live.I have just slowly cut them out. Avoided them because I knew if they got to know me, they would miss me when I died, so I withdrew so they could not feel that pain.

So, I guess for today, I take my blessings as they have come this week, NOT my problems.

1. Got extra $$ even though I can't take all of the $500 I must give some to charity otherwise it will affect my income through Alberta Works. And me being someone with chronic pain and limited use of being able to work, I must take what I can receive, until I get into Chronic pain centre and can support myself full time.
2. Be blessed that I have my parents who can take me to Fernie to see my palliative Aunt.
3. Be blessed that those 4 people I told of my suicide are my friends, and even though I kind of hate them at times, I know why they try to keep me alive.
4. My neighbor got a wish. A long time wish that she very well deserves and I am so very happy for her. You will find out more about her wish in May.
5. I connected with a great psychiatrist.
6. My son wants to spend some time with me on Monday!! Christmas decorating and music with him!! I've missed him so much!!

#yyc can be a good place to live. There ARE people who care (even the unexpected people). If you just hold on.....for one more day.....things might go your way.

JUST HOLD ON