If you believe I am in danger

I have been depressed lately. Depressed and withdrawn. It takes all of my strength, and energy to write this to you right now. Because at the same time that I write my safety plan, I also want to take my life.

I know that my friends are worried. I do not want them to worry. I know what to do when I am surrounded by my suicidal ideation. I know that you need to know that I'll be "OK". And "OK" meaning that I have my safety plan, and that I am following through with it. So my family and friends, here is my safety plan, and things for you to know what to do, when I am in crisis.

If you would like more information on the Lifeline Canada, you can find the website here: https://thelifelinecanada.ca/

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

TALK

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

If I talk about:

1. Having no reason to live.
2. Being a burden to others.
3. Having a plan.
4. Giving things away.
5. If I tell you I love you out of the blue.

Behaviour

Specific things to look for in me:

1. Increased use of alcohol.
2. Searching online for ways to kill myself.
3. Withdrawing from activities.
4. Isolating myself.
5. Not making commitments.
6. Posting suicidal messages.

Mood

I will:

1. Lose interest in people and things.
2. Become irritable.
3. Sleep all the time.

My suicide risk factors:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder.
2. Major depressive episodes.
3. Chronic pain and trouble coping with that pain.
4. Alcohol abuse.
5. Social anxiety disorder.

Environmental Factors:

1. Stressful life events.
2. Prolonged stress factors which may include relationship problems, harassment, past sexual abuse, fear of financial issues.
3. Exposure to another person's suicide. Including the anniversary of friends who have died by suicide.

Historical Factors:

1. Previous suicide attempts.
2. Family history of a completed suicide.

If you see any of these symptoms in me, I give you permission to take positive action to help me out. I may hate you for it, but I will be thankful to you for it.

Before you run to calling professionals for me though, I promise to do the following:

1. I have made a safety plan first aid kit, in this kit includes the following for me:

• A pack of ICE.
• A prayer card.
• Gratitude list.
• Self Talk card.
• Goals list that include short term, and long term goals.
• Support Card which has 1 family member, 1 friend, 1 mentor, 1 pastor, and 1 counsellor or the employment assistance program on it.
• One minute Mindfulness
• Hope Box crescendos from friends.
• Positive notes.
• Band-Aids.
• Self-soothe toolkit.

I am a cutter. I cannot promise not to cut. When I cut I do not cut deep, and I do not cause any internal organ damage. But I do promise to reach for the First Aid kit, before I reach for the knife to cut myself.

What can you do for me when I am in crisis?

1. Send me funny GIPHY'S. If I do not send you one back. I need further help.
2. Don't ask me what I need. I want to isolate. So just come over. Knock on the door and say, Hey, I'm here, you don't need to do anything, but I'm here.
3. Be willing to listen to me if I want to dump all of my yucky suicidal thoughts on you. You're there with me, so, just listen. Don't worry, don't do anything or tell me I need more help. Simply listen.
4. You need to tell me what you can, and cannot handle when I am in crisis.
5. The Police and Crisis Team (PACT) Unit in Calgary is more help to me than the City of Calgary police department. If you believe I am in immediate danger, please call them on mine, and your behalf.

We can even set up what Jacob Moore calls an "If-Then Plan" to help navigate specific situations. If for instance you don't hear back from me after 12 hours, then you have my permission to call again. Because here's the thing: Despite your best intentions, I will likely do my awful best to impede your efforts. I'm not "attention seeking" or looking to "guilt trip you", what you have to remember is that these behaviors, should they occur, are contrary to my true nature, and my disease has taken over. I do appreciate your help despite how I may act in the moment. You can find Jacob Moores blog here: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/my-un-suicide-note 

If I still do not want your help, I give you permission to send me this blog and remind me of my promise to you.

My friend and mentor wrote me this, titled: More. To remind me that I am more.

You are more than all the things you've done

or the body you've sold or cut;

More than all this,

aging skin or raging sin;

That wraps around your bones like dirt,

amid the fallen stars and wreckage;

Come

You are fire

You are sky

You are Mata Hari

The eye of the day

Look

The world is perfect,

and you are in it;

Stay

You precious speck

of glittering dust,

and Shine.

Because, I am MORE. More than my depression, more than the thoughts, beliefs, and values I carry about myself in those horrible times. I believe them, they are true to me, and I cannot think past the fact, that my death, would be best for everyone in my life, and everyone who has yet to meet me.