If you believe I am in danger

I have been depressed lately. Depressed and withdrawn. It takes all of my strength, and energy to write this to you right now. Because at the same time that I write my safety plan, I also want to take my life.

I know that my friends are worried. I do not want them to worry. I know what to do when I am surrounded by my suicidal ideation. I know that you need to know that I'll be "OK". And "OK" meaning that I have my safety plan, and that I am following through with it. So my family and friends, here is my safety plan, and things for you to know what to do, when I am in crisis.

If you would like more information on the Lifeline Canada, you can find the website here: https://thelifelinecanada.ca/

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

TALK

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

If I talk about:

1. Having no reason to live.
2. Being a burden to others.
3. Having a plan.
4. Giving things away.
5. If I tell you I love you out of the blue.

Behaviour

Specific things to look for in me:

1. Increased use of alcohol.
2. Searching online for ways to kill myself.
3. Withdrawing from activities.
4. Isolating myself.
5. Not making commitments.
6. Posting suicidal messages.

Mood

I will:

1. Lose interest in people and things.
2. Become irritable.
3. Sleep all the time.

My suicide risk factors:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder.
2. Major depressive episodes.
3. Chronic pain and trouble coping with that pain.
4. Alcohol abuse.
5. Social anxiety disorder.

Environmental Factors:

1. Stressful life events.
2. Prolonged stress factors which may include relationship problems, harassment, past sexual abuse, fear of financial issues.
3. Exposure to another person's suicide. Including the anniversary of friends who have died by suicide.

Historical Factors:

1. Previous suicide attempts.
2. Family history of a completed suicide.

If you see any of these symptoms in me, I give you permission to take positive action to help me out. I may hate you for it, but I will be thankful to you for it.

Before you run to calling professionals for me though, I promise to do the following:

1. I have made a safety plan first aid kit, in this kit includes the following for me:

• A pack of ICE.
• A prayer card.
• Gratitude list.
• Self Talk card.
• Goals list that include short term, and long term goals.
• Support Card which has 1 family member, 1 friend, 1 mentor, 1 pastor, and 1 counsellor or the employment assistance program on it.
• One minute Mindfulness
• Hope Box crescendos from friends.
• Positive notes.
• Band-Aids.
• Self-soothe toolkit.

I am a cutter. I cannot promise not to cut. When I cut I do not cut deep, and I do not cause any internal organ damage. But I do promise to reach for the First Aid kit, before I reach for the knife to cut myself.

What can you do for me when I am in crisis?

1. Send me funny GIPHY'S. If I do not send you one back. I need further help.
2. Don't ask me what I need. I want to isolate. So just come over. Knock on the door and say, Hey, I'm here, you don't need to do anything, but I'm here.
3. Be willing to listen to me if I want to dump all of my yucky suicidal thoughts on you. You're there with me, so, just listen. Don't worry, don't do anything or tell me I need more help. Simply listen.
4. You need to tell me what you can, and cannot handle when I am in crisis.
5. The Police and Crisis Team (PACT) Unit in Calgary is more help to me than the City of Calgary police department. If you believe I am in immediate danger, please call them on mine, and your behalf.

We can even set up what Jacob Moore calls an "If-Then Plan" to help navigate specific situations. If for instance you don't hear back from me after 12 hours, then you have my permission to call again. Because here's the thing: Despite your best intentions, I will likely do my awful best to impede your efforts. I'm not "attention seeking" or looking to "guilt trip you", what you have to remember is that these behaviors, should they occur, are contrary to my true nature, and my disease has taken over. I do appreciate your help despite how I may act in the moment. You can find Jacob Moores blog here: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/my-un-suicide-note 

If I still do not want your help, I give you permission to send me this blog and remind me of my promise to you.

My friend and mentor wrote me this, titled: More. To remind me that I am more.

You are more than all the things you've done

or the body you've sold or cut;

More than all this,

aging skin or raging sin;

That wraps around your bones like dirt,

amid the fallen stars and wreckage;

Come

You are fire

You are sky

You are Mata Hari

The eye of the day

Look

The world is perfect,

and you are in it;

Stay

You precious speck

of glittering dust,

and Shine.

Because, I am MORE. More than my depression, more than the thoughts, beliefs, and values I carry about myself in those horrible times. I believe them, they are true to me, and I cannot think past the fact, that my death, would be best for everyone in my life, and everyone who has yet to meet me.

Low-Income Transit Pass

After being DM'd by the lovely Annalise Klingbeil shockingly and abruptly in her classic style form, she informed me she had numbers of the amount of people who have accessed the sliding scale low-income transit pass since Calgary City Council approved it last year, and started in April of this year.

The numbers are absolutely shocking and astounding. It shows that 37,472 people purchased the $5.05 monthly pass in the first three months of the program. There were 69, 764 passes bought among the three different low-income pass levels, compared to the same time last year, was 56, 173.

If you are like me and horrible at math, that's an extra 13, 299 people who have accessed the sliding scale bus pass more than there were last year on the old subsidy pass.

There are 3 levels of the passes and tiers that people are on depending on their income level. You can find that on the City of Calgary site here: http://calgary.ca/CSPS/CNS/Pages/Neighbourhood-Services/sliding-scale-fare-changes.aspx

There are things to take into consideration with the transit pass though.

1. Many people who could qualify for not only the low-income transit pass, but also the low-income recreation fee, cannot qualify because they live at home with parents. I am aware of 30-year-olds who work full time in minimum wage jobs, or cannot work due to health issues, who do not qualify and miss out on opportunities because it's to expensive for them to live outside of the home, and total household income is taken into account when applying.
2. When the low-income transit pass came into effect, people who were on Alberta Works had their extra money they were getting to account for the new transit pass. As an example, I used to get $44 a month for my transit fare, I now get $5.05. I do not save any money, or get any extra money for groceries on this.

The biggest and most important things are:

1. As it says in the Calgary Herald article, families are now able to travel together. They can now afford multiple transit passes and can GO places together now! THAT is a beautiful and wonderful thing!
2. When my Poverty Talks! lady TracyRay Lewis does peer advocacy, she is more likely to stay connected with the peers she problem solves with because they can afford to go an see her. The price of the entire lowest cost pass is less than one trip to and from where her workplace used to be, so peers she tries to advocate for can actually participate in programs, support meetings, and have coffee with peers. Without the low-income rate she would be agoraphobic most of the time and a shut-in. She wouldn't be able to do the Poverty Talks! work, or volunteer at the Alex community food centre, etc. She would be at home having panic attacks because she wouldn't be able to afford to do stuff out of the house.
3. Another Poverty Talks! member Nigel Kirk says a homeless person could pick bottles for a day and get a bus pass, provided they have their taxes done.
4. Susan Gwynn from Poverty Talks! has seen 3 people who would get tickets constantly not have a ticket since April.

In mine, and I believe a lot of peoples opinions though, this is a temporary solution. We would all love to see a Guaranteed Annual Income take place, to REALLY end poverty in Calgary, Alberta, and Canada.

Also, here is the link to the wonderful article from Annalise in the Calgary Herald. Thank You for always seeking out the people who it effects, and hearing and listening to them.

http://calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/theres-a-need-more-than-10000-calgarians-a-month-buying-new-5-05-transit-pass

If I die

Here is the thing, if I die, today, tomorrow, next week, or twenty years from now, I want you to be HAPPY for me.

People are devastated when a suicide takes place, and I don't understand why? Can people not see that the person is longer in pain and is no longer suffering?

Think of it as a chronic illness like cancer. An incurable illness. People are normally relieved when their loved one goes from this, because they are suffering no more.

I believe that heaven is a peaceful place, and I'll be surrounded by those loved ones who have gone before me, and will be re-united with those who go after me.

"Go rest high on that mountain" is one of the songs I have chosen for my funeral. Have a listen, it IS beautiful. Vince Gill, you sing it well: https://youtu.be/6jXrmAKBBTU

Smile, drink, make a toast, and love the ones you love. Remember me, but don't be sad for me.

I'll be resting high on that mountain.

Safety Plan

I feel the need to write and set out a new safety plan for myself. But, because my friends have been struggling with how to be helpful to me while I'm in crisis, I also feel the need to write this blog and help them, help me effectively, when I'm in crisis.

So:

ICE is the most effective tool for me when I'm in the most extreme point of my crisis and can no longer think clearly.

Calling a distress center or suicide crisis line is NOT helpful for me, for many reasons, the following the most important:

1. The distress center has a certain criteria of questions they have to assess your immediate risk of suicide. I am ALWAYS on the list of CALL CPS RIGHT NOW.
2. The distress center are strangers. People I do not know. When I am in crisis I NEED to know that my friends are there, that I am not abandoned, and that I am loved no matter what state of mind I am in at the moment.
3. I am normally never helped by the distress center. In actual reality, they end up pissing me off more, and I hang up on them angry and frustrated, which of course, leads to them calling the police when it is not needed.

So, friends, here is what is helpful to me after the ICE.

1. Ask me if I want to hang out some time and set a date and a time. I am a woman of my word, if I plan to take my life, I will NOT commit to anything.
2. Send me a funny GIPHY, so I can laugh. If I am able to send you one back, I'm doing pretty good.
3. Ask me what I need. "Do you want me to come over?" "Can I just sit here with you?" Or, TELL me you are coming over. Half the time I won't say, "Yes, please come over." just tell me that you are.
4. The BIGGEST one, "I'm here to listen, and I won't leave you."

Perhaps, my friends can also have some input in here. As, they also know how to be successful in engaging with me when I am in this state of mind.

This is me, my safety plan for my friends. It IS different for everyone. So ask your friends this question:

1. "What do you need from me, and how can I be most successful to you, when you are in a state of crisis?"

City of Calgary Neighborhood Services Surveys

So, after a lot of anger and sadness, and frustration, I've decided to write this blog in a very constructive matter.

Recently my City of Calgary Neighborhood social worker did a community survey, one of the topics that came up was the necessity of basic needs (food), that people in our community seem to lack.

So they did the survey, the concluded that this was an issue, and they made a plan to "solve" the issue of food insecurity.

What was the answer to "solving" food insecurity to them?

To bring in a food bank to our South West community.

Now, I'm no expert, but:

1. Food banks have never solved food insecurity in the past.
2. Would you not ask the next question as to: "WHY is food insecurity an issue for you? AND
3. What would YOU like to see brought in to the community to help to bring you food security?

When I asked the community social worker if the last two questions had been asked to the community, the answer was no.

According to the City of Calgary's Enough for All strategy, reducing the usage of food banks is a goal to the city, and from my understanding, City of Calgary Neighborhood social workers are supposed to be working on these goals.

My City of Calgary social worker also asked me to join the conversation of this at their next meeting. As she thought my voice and opinion would be valuable in it.

So ... I went to the meeting. I asked the questions about how bringing the food bank would:

1. Bring food security to the community.
2. How the food bank brings dignity to people who use them, AND
3. If they have discussed this on a deeper community level with people.

Needless to say, I was dismissed. At least, I felt dismissed. I felt unheard, dismissed, disregarded, and like my thoughts, ideas, views were invalid and stupid.

The location of the food bank was also decided upon by these agencies, with absolutely no consultation with the people who live in that community.

So, yeah. I am more than a little disappointed with the City of Calgary Neighborhood services, and the agencies they partnered with on this.

I'm also a little ticked at the house in my neighborhood, where the girls who live in it are supposed to be actively engaged in the community, and I have not seen or heard from them at all.

And the Calgary Housing support worker I have, as she does not seem to support me anymore either.

So Calgary, Thank You. Thank You for not supporting me, listening to me, making me feel validated, or important, or a strong member of my neighborhood, or that I belong for that matter.

Perhaps, maybe, in the future you could:

1. Listen to the people who live in the community.
2. Dig deeper into the issue instead of thinking you can "solve" our problems for us.
3. Actually listen to me and others, validate us, and making us feel like we matter.

AND

4. Treat us like WE ARE the experts of our OWN lives!

Business in Homelessness

So I have had many discussions with quite a few people lately on the subject of organizations treating homelessness as a business.

Without naming names, one homeless shelter in Calgary boasts about being the biggest homeless shelter in Western Canada, and perhaps Canada itself.

What is there to brag about, is what I want to know?

Should you not be boasting about being the largest homeless shelter to HOUSE people in Western Canada??? Now THAT is something to be proud of!!

And Oil and Gas companies, not-for-profit organizations, and wealthy donors, honestly believe they are helping people!!

How many of these volunteers, and donors, actually sit down with the clientele, and ask them if they're funding is TRULY, making a difference in that persons life?

Too me, it's a money making scheme. And it certainly does not help those people in that shelter. They are given a bed, with the donors name on a wonderful plaque, so that you, the person who is staying there for the night, has a reminder of who they should be "grateful" to.

Well, they are grateful. For a bed, so that they do not die on freezing streets at night. But I bet you any kind of money (I don't have any, by the way), that they would be more grateful to be in their own place, with their own shower, to be able to cook their own food, and have their dignity back.

So, before you, or your corporation, or not-for-profit agency, or as an individual, decide to donate your money to these kinds of "businesses", first ask yourself, how can my money go towards a better cause? Am I REALLY making a difference for people who are homeless? Am I doing it just to feel good, and get recognition for it, or do I want to make a difference, a real difference in someones life?

Should we NOT be putting the businesses out of business? Create jobs for the staff who are working there to support people who are at risk of homelessness, by placing them as housing supports?

Choose wisely. Please choose kindness, Empathy, and respect, by creating a real difference to people.