Unexpected Surprises

This has been a very rough and challenging time. I shall be brutally honest in this blog, as I always am and try to be.

1. I have an Aunt who is palliative.
2. I have had to wait 8 months for a psychiatrist.
3. I have $83 in my bank account
4. I was supposed to die on Monday.

Yes. I have been planning my funeral for a while. Making all of the details. Those horrible thoughts came back into my mind so I made out the details.

1. Music.
2. Will.
3. Who will perform the funeral?
4. Where will I be buried.

I told some people. See, living causes me anxiety and stress. There was a piece of happiness, calm, and peace to know that I was going to die.

I did my research. Collected the right kind and amount of pills.

I have a friend that I think kind of knew that I was saying goodbye. She inadvertently made me commit to something the night I was going to die. So I had to live for at least another week.

The week got better. On Wednesday the Police and Crisis Team (PACT) came to see me. They were a little helpful, but not as much as I needed.

That night I had an information session on the Savings Circles program at Momentum Calgary.   http://www.momentum.org/ I am hoping to get into this program as it will help me save for education for my poverty reduction work, and/or a laptop for education/advocacy work.

Thursday morning, before I left for my psychiatrist's appointment, I found out that I WON $500 from http://www.unexpectedexpenses.ca/

WHAT a beautiful and #unexpectedsurprise

Thursday I finally, and I seriously mean finally, met with the psychiatrist I have patiently waited 8 months for. (After suffering stress induced psychosis, almost losing my job, and life). I was able to connect well with him and that was a huge relief.

Yesterday, my parents, son and I went down to Fernie to visit my palliative Aunt. She is and has been a blessing to our family. Her pain is managed and she is in good spirits, it's hard to say goodbye to a loved one.

I know there are more people who care about me and want me to live.I have just slowly cut them out. Avoided them because I knew if they got to know me, they would miss me when I died, so I withdrew so they could not feel that pain.

So, I guess for today, I take my blessings as they have come this week, NOT my problems.

1. Got extra $$ even though I can't take all of the $500 I must give some to charity otherwise it will affect my income through Alberta Works. And me being someone with chronic pain and limited use of being able to work, I must take what I can receive, until I get into Chronic pain centre and can support myself full time.
2. Be blessed that I have my parents who can take me to Fernie to see my palliative Aunt.
3. Be blessed that those 4 people I told of my suicide are my friends, and even though I kind of hate them at times, I know why they try to keep me alive.
4. My neighbor got a wish. A long time wish that she very well deserves and I am so very happy for her. You will find out more about her wish in May.
5. I connected with a great psychiatrist.
6. My son wants to spend some time with me on Monday!! Christmas decorating and music with him!! I've missed him so much!!

#yyc can be a good place to live. There ARE people who care (even the unexpected people). If you just hold on.....for one more day.....things might go your way.

JUST HOLD ON

Shitty

That's the name of today's blog post. Shitty.

Because that's literally what it is for me in poverty right now.

Once again, I woke up this morning. I did not want to.

Every thought, feeling, being in my body right now wants to not wake up ever again.

Not because I don't love people, or because the world has treated me crappy, but because I'm so very, very tired. I'm not sure I have the strength to fight anymore.

I believe with all of my heart and soul The Enough for All strategy. If I did not I would not have agreed to be an ambassador for this. But how do I, be an effective ambassador for Enough for All, when I struggle hourly, to have enough for me?

Yesterday, I woke. To numbness. Not feeling.i

I have three aunt's who are sick. That do not live in Calgary. One is terminal.

Me, I have $20 in my bank account, and am struggling with health issues.

Preliminary blood work has shown signs of celiac disease. I have suffered for months now of explosive diarrhea. This is my shame. I have accidents. It's a shitty experience, quite literally, that's why the title of this.

So I've been referred to a gastroenterologist, to do a scope. Another wait list. Like the wait list for the chronic pain centre, like the wait list for the psychiatrist.

What the hell do I do when my Aunt dies? I don't have money to wash my clothes.

Christmas is coming, how do I get presents for my son. My precious son, who has worked so hard this year and has become such a fine young man.

So I guess the only real thing I can do for this #enoughforall campaign right now, is to be bluntly honest. Poverty sucks folks. Poverty is literally shitty folks. We have #enoughforall in #yyc, now let's do something about it.

I attended a dance last week, and the person who hosted was someone in a bigger political position than I was, and am. The thing he told me, was that he appreciated my tweets, because it reminds him of how life really is for every day Calgarian's. THIS is why I refuse to be silenced. I never knew he actually listened, or cared. Thank You for caring Joe Ceci. For encouraging me.

Let's quite talking and stand up, speak out, talk hard and steal the air!!

People are dying.

Dignity in Poverty

I attended an event last night. A Community Development Leadership Workshop in Calgary.

I was amazed at the turn out. And pleasantly surprised at the various amount of people who came.

I won't speak on behalf of the group I was with, but on my personal opinion of it.

I loved the Introduction part of it:

1. Form in groups of what area of the city you live in
2. Form in groups of where you were born.
3. Form in groups of if you are here as students, professionals, etc..

The group that I was in spoke of Dignity when you live in poverty.

Here's a simple image that a great friend, Nigel Kirk, a fantastic homeless advocate shared with me:

Take away assumptions, I worked at a medical clinic as a receptionist to vulnerable clients. One day we had a gentleman come in who was slurring his words and smelled like beer. Thankfully, my co-worker recognized the signs of a diabetic having low blood sugar. I didn't know and assumed he was under the influence.

Me, I hate charity. Last year I asked a friend if there was any opportunities to babysit their kids so I could make some money to get my son a Christmas present. He said, "What does he want?" I said, "This and this." He said, "I'll pick it up for you." I said, "No thanks, If I don't earn the money myself, it's not a gift from me, his mom!"

Sharing my experiences yesterday was hard, very hard. I'm hoping people listened. Not just listened though. But Listened, Learned, and will share and ACT from hearing from yesterdays workshop.

It is so important, because it's a part of having Enough for All in #yyc. That includes dignity, respect, and basic Human Rights!

My brain on Trust

This has been a horrifying rough month for me. Particularly a bad year.

The last year I have trusted people I should not have (at least that's how I feel by how they've treated me).

I've let people in, who have done what everyone has done my whole life, and then they've abandoned me.

I've tried to do what is in everyone else's best interests, but my own, and I've been back stabbed by them.

This last month, I have had to put my cat down.

Experienced stress induced paranoia.

Am tied up in legal issues.

Have lost my supports who are SUPPOSED to be there to support me. Agencies who are supposed to be doing what is in MY best interest.

Have had a great friend, who has crossed boundaries, and put them back in place. Crossed them, only to put them back again. I know he was doing what he thought was in my best interest. I know he cares about me as a person and as a friend. I hope he won't abandon me.

Again, part of that was my fault. I shouldn't have trusted, crossed those boundaries, allowed those boundaries to be crossed.

I'm hurt, scared, terrified. I know we'll remain friends, I just have to process this. Because right now.....I want to use a knife to cut myself. Drink Vodka to numb the intensity of the pain I feel.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills I know. I know them. They're valuable. Using the skills do take a lot longer to bring those emotions down.

I know it's right to use the skills, I know it's "wrong" to use the bad coping skills.

I have not yet decided, which one I will use. I still have commitment's to take care of today.

I'll decide after those are done.