Spoken Word

I am an amateur. But these are the snippets of thoughts that have come that I have had to write down.

"To dream, perchance you say? On a Calgary Transit Ctrain."

(Written on my way back from a meeting after spending night at hospital with neighbor.)

 "I am Enough when I do all the right things,
I conform to what is the majority.
I shall try to respect myself more in the future to come,
As for now, I am having way too much fun!
Erin, what HAVE you gotten me into?"

(When I am judging what I say in my poetry.)

"Good Morning, my name is BPD,
And I've come to haunt you today.
Hide those pills, knife and bottle you see,
So that my scars don't become, you're reality."

(Don't remember when I wrote this, but it's common on a daily basis.)

"Oh my, where have you gone?
I've lost the control that I once had,
I need to be controlled right now,
So that I may not go, straight to hell"

(Feeling out of control)

 "I am a mother, and my job you see;
Is not to be your friend, or let you sleep in till 3.
My job is to teach you, how to grow up,
So you can be independent, and have a family and stuff.
I do not judge others how they raise their own,
This is just my own, personal belief.

See, Here I am, fighting justice on my own,
If I were a stripper, what would my stripper name be?
Why I think City Hall Hooker, would work very well for me.
I get up and tell my story, stripping my soul;
Like most of those people, who want a suite in their home."

(When reading about affordable housing, and the things I've heard in council meetings.)

 "And like a flash, there it's gone,
that happy feeling, a moment ago;
dropped like a bomb,
with young lives lost in the storm."

(After I heard of three, YES, 3. Young lives lost to suicide. The oldest, 14! RIP)

"What in the world is wrong with me?
I'm engaging in conversation that increases,
my social anxiety!
What did the doc call it schizophrenic psychosis,
Oh no, wait. it was Stress induces psychosis.
I remember now, I forgot to take my pills,
Where the fuck IS my seroquel?
WHERE the fuck is my seroquel?
WHERE the FUCK is my seroquel?
WHERE the fuck IS my seroquel?
Wait, maybe I need to sit down and breathe!
In through nose, hold for 4,
and breath out of 8, NOW, where are my pills?"

(An exhausting day of forgetting to take my pills, and doing tasks outside of my comfort range.)

"One day, I'll get better at this spoken word art,
right now, I'm a beginner, just trying to find my....voice that was lost." 

Enough!

It is now 3 days away from Poverty Talks spoken art performance on "Enough" to mark International Day to Eradicate Poverty.

As I look back over the last month, I am taken aback and stunned, at the accomplishments that the group has made.

I see one strong aboriginal woman, who has gone through a great deal of hardship and turmoil in her life. But I also see her healing through this. She is finding her voice by telling her story. She has brought me to tears. I trust that this has helped her.

I see a 15-year-old girl. Who has had to take on so many responsibilities at such a young age. Not because she did not have parents who didn't love her or didn't care. But because there was turmoil with her sibling. Now she grows, and finds her voice and her strength by finding her truth.

This is what Poverty Talks is all about. Helping people find their voices. Helping them become active, engaged, and united. That is a part of what having Enough is.

A feeling of love, belonging, and acceptance. No matter who you are.

There are many of us. Sharing our stories, our voices, our truth.

I do look forward to this. I hope others look forward to this.

Most of all, I hope this changes peoples minds, opens hearts, and brings changes.

 If you are interested in joining this event, you can register at Eventbrite here:

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/enough-spoken-word-to-mark-international-day-to-eradicate-poverty-tickets-27764797256

I'd like to thank Vibrant Communities Calgary, poet Erin Dingle, poet Laureate, Knox Presbyterian Church,  Alex Community Food Centre, New Scoop YYC, and any partner that I may have forgotten.

It is with collaboration from all parties that will make this event so successful, I am grateful for this.

See you Monday!

Suicidal Poetry

I am not saying that this is right, or wrong. It just was. My thoughts at that moment.

"Look at him you selfish bitch,
are you going to take that gun and run?
Leave him as an orphan,
and let him think he was never loved?

Gun in one hand, Pills in the other,
If that cop stops you,
You'll shoot at him and finish yourself off after!

My life is full of disappointments, hatred, frustration, and fear,
I have to stop this urge to kill others, and myself to boot.

Homicide, suicide, murder, and robbery,
This isn't the good life, it's the fucked up life!"

Amber Cannon

Helful coping Skills for family and friends

This was a hot topic yesterday in #BPDChat. How can friends/family help you when you are in crisis?

What can they do and say to help you get through that, that is helpful and not more harmful?

Well, when I'm at the start of crisis, I guess the most important question for people to ask me is:

Where is your ICE Amber?

This is called TIP, an acronym for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing.

T - Temperature change:  This is where the ICE comes for me. 

What is effective for me is to just grab some ice or an ice pack and place it on my wrists or neck or forehead.

When I'm in an extremely emotional state of mind I essentially stop thinking rationally.

They say that in order to get ourselves to a place of being capable of processing information, we must find a way to essentially "reset" the nervous system. Fortunately, all mammals have something called the "mammalian diving reflex" that forces the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to kick in, which functions to relax and calm us down.

Reflex is activated by icy cold water (not freezing) on the face. In particular, the icy cold water must hit the parts of the face just below the eyes and above the cheekbones for the dive reflex to be activated.

Suggest:

- Fill a bowl of icy cold water

- bend/lean over

- hold your breath

- put face in icy cold water for 30 seconds

- make sure the area underneath eyes/above cheekbones (most sensitive part of the face feels the icy water.

Or any icy cold gel mask over/around the eye area.

CAUTIONS of using this technique:

1. Activating the dive reflex slows the heart rate, so anyone with heart problems or a slow heartbeat should avoid this strategy. 
2. Those with eating disorders should avoid activating the dive reflex, as this is dangerous for the heart.

Benefits of using:

Provides immediate relief and is intended to get you into a functional state of mind where you are capable of using problem-solving skills to solve the intense problem at hand.

I - Intense exercise: I don't use this due to physical issues.

P - Paced Breathing: This works for me just after I use the ICE. What is helpful is the 4, 7, 8 breathing. I breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, hold my breath for 7, and exhale deeply through mouth for 8.

By this time I can move on to other things because I am thinking more rationally and move on to self-soothing techniques that work for me.


Don't tell me it this crisis moment that "everything is going to be ok", or that "I am loved." or that "This too shall pass". This is not helpful when I'm in crisis. I cannot rationalize. Once I calm down listen to me, validate me, and use respectful language.

This is MY safety plan. And this is how my family and friends can help me.

It is different and works differently for everyone.