Longest Night of The Year

One of the reasons why I chose to work at Calgary Urban Project Society (CUPS) after I got my Medical Office Assistant Diploma was to give back to a company, that had given so much to me when I was a teenage street youth.

The bad thing about being a person with my diagnosis of borderline, and working with vulnerable people, is that I feel. I feel SOO much and SOO deeply!

So when it came to three "clients" (PEOPLE!) I hurt ALOT when I lost them.

Without trying to disclose too much confidential information. One person, got off the streets, and found an apartment. Then he found out he had terminal lung cancer. He had just re-connected with his father. 3 days before he passed away, I went with the physician to his home. I cut his nails and it took him a while to recognize me, but when he did he had the most amazing wonderful smile on his face.

When he found out he had lung cancer, and he was going to die. He asked me to go to the movies with him. I could not, as much as I wanted to, it was a breach of the rules at work. I shouldn't have listened, you deserved MUCH MORE than that, but because of my selfishness, and the thought of getting fired because of "rules", I did not. For THAT, I am SO sorry!!!!

After I saw him, that same day another client who was an alcoholic. Had drank a bottle of Draino the week before. I went to the hospital to visit him. Unfortunately, EMS revived him. And for a year after that, the draino ate away at his organs. He suffered for 1-year before he died. He was such a brilliant man and served in the Canadian Military.

The most beautiful ceremony I have ever attended was with the employees of CUPS. Three members of the Downtown Outreach Addictions Program (DOAP), a nurse at CUPS, a friend of the deceased, and I gathered at the service. His favorite song "What a Wonderful World" was played. We went to the graveyard. When I go to the graveyard today. I cannot find him, his marker is missing and there is no "place" to go and see him.

So when I stood at tonight's memorial at the Longest Night of the Year, I payed my respects to them. As many others who gathered with me did.

The Calgary Homeless Foundation and the committee members did a wonderful job bringing honor and memory to these people. Reading each names of people who were listed. As others joined at the celebration, dozens of more names went up.

We didn't spend enough time there. THEY DESERVED TO HAVE MORE TIME!!! We lit our candles, (or turned them on rather).

As I left the scene bawling, I walked through the Suncor Energy building, my candle still lit inside my purse. I can't turn it off, to turn it off.....means they're gone. And they are NOT, they are in my heart, thoughts, and mind.

I wanted to SCREAM at the security guard locking the door. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE ARE FUCKEN FREEZING TO DEATH?????? DO YOU CARE?????

But I honor these people often, when I see a reminder of them......I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you.

It's a reminder too, to be grateful for the home I have now. I forget sometimes that I lived out of a car for 9 months, and I forget how hard life was when I didn't have a home.

Thank You to every one who joined. It is something that never should have to be done, and there are WAY too many names on that list!! WHY CAN'T WE DO BETTER?

Amber Cannon.