My Identity and how it relates to Abandonment

This is not going to be an easy blog to write. But if I need to write it out for my own sanity and to help educate others on why, then I must be once again brutally honest, without fearing whatever repercussion I might suffer from it.

He's abandoned me....for a little over a month now. A professional man who has engaged with me online for quite some time. I began to rely on him, for encouragement, validation, support, a listening ear. This was and is not his role.

So now that he has not spoken to me in over a month, I have lost my sense of self. Who I am. I am drastically trying to engage him in conversation and fear that it is bordering on harassment.

This is not the person I want to be. I feel crazy in doing this. And he probably thinks that I am crazy the more I try to engage with him.

I despise myself for the person I become in doing this, as I am sure and fear he despises me in this way as well.

I've asked him on multiple occasions how to engage properly....his response was. "I never said it was a problem, I just confirmed you engage a lot."

A little over a month before he stopped talking to me he asked me, "Why do I keep talking to him, and what is it that he could do for me?"

I responded with what he had done. My identity for so long was with the negative engagement I had with a certain professionalism, and for the last while, since our engagement, that negative engagement has turned into a more positive form. Who I was and am was identified as that.

Now that I have lost the positive engagement, I've lost a sense of who I am, and I don't know how to get that back.

As a person with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel abandoned. The first "symptom" in the DSM manual. I am desperately trying to avoid this, and I look and feel like a crazy person, someone I do not wish to be.

So how do I stop this? How do I  find my identity again without the engagement? I'll put this out there to the others with the diagnosis, what has helped you?

I think, if anything at all. I wish the opportunity to say goodbye in a healthy form, instead of just abruptly not engaging anymore. And I really wish, he could have provided the details to help me be more appropriate. Because if I don't know I am crossing over boundaries, how do I prevent this from happening in the future with others?

I'm sorry to him of all things. I never meant it to be like this. And I apologize to you profusely for being that person. Ultimately, I am responsible and I take full ownership of that. Please know I never meant any harm.

This is not fun, or funny. It's absolutely agonizing and painful. And I need to find a way to be normal and myself again. Because I'm not a bad person, but I certainly feel like one right now. And because I think and feel it, for me, that's a reality. It's time to think and feel that I am good, right, just, and valuable, without that engagement.

Wish Tree

The idea was simple really, One child puts their wish on a wish tree, and one person from the community makes that wish come true. So I put the idea and project out there, unknowingly if it would work or not. 

When I first introduced the idea I had no idea if 

1. I would be able to pull it off, and 

2. If I was doing the right things for the families in my community.

But I must say because of your generosity, support, kindness, and love for your neighbors. You were able to make this project a success in so many ways.

Before I had any kid’s wishes on the tree, I had 19 people willing to make a wish come true. This was after presenting the idea to Knox Presbyterian Church after giving a final project report for the Painting Hope project.

After informing the Community Association of the idea planned for our ‘hood, the board members thought it would be a good idea to make this a project of the Association, as people are more likely to donate to a trusted organization.

So I made up flyers, got children’s names, and put the word out to the community.

At the end we had 34 children between the ages of 0 – 18 signed up. 14 families in total. All 34 children had been “adopted” and Mary, the Community Development Coordinator at Bethany Chapel collected some money as well.

With the added money from Bethany, we decided to include board games to each family. Although I must admit, this was a little harder to pull off than I expected it would.

Funny thing is, everything happens at the right time. 2 days before I went to the mall to pick up the board games, my neighbor, the lady whose kids I watch on weekends had been adopted for Christmas. In her adoption package she got a gift card to Walmart, because she knew I had been struggling lately, she passed the gift card on to me, and I was able to use that to cover some of the cost of board games.

As well I volunteer for a group called Poverty Talks who works with Vibrant Communities Calgary (VCC), a few weeks before I went shopping Assembly (a co-working space in Kensington that hosts our monthly meetings) came in to give us a special presentation. Assembly introduced their Random Acts of Kindness (#RAK) campaign to us. They wanted to find a way to motivate people to give a little bit this holiday season so they put together a holiday giving guide and toolkit.
Included in this toolkit were Walmart gift cards and I used those as well to help cover the cost of board games.

The kids loved the gifts! And the project was a success! We had Santa come into my house on December 24, 2015 to give the gifts out to the kid's. They were thrilled and excited. Thanks so much to Katherine Leonard for being my elf with me and for Ben's father for being Santa Claus!

I want to thank you all for the wonderful generosity, love, care, and dedication you have for our community and the people who live in it.

Because of you, some families who may have had nothing for Christmas, were able to HAVE a Christmas. And without you, this couldn’t have been possible.

This is a fantastic idea for #givewhereyoulive, and that we may be able to have #enough4all in our local communities of #yyc.

I hope you all had a safe and wonderful Christmas, and all the best to year in 2016!