This is not going to be an easy blog to write. But if I need to write it out for my own sanity and to help educate others on why, then I must be once again brutally honest, without fearing whatever repercussion I might suffer from it.
He's abandoned me....for a little over a month now. A professional man who has engaged with me online for quite some time. I began to rely on him, for encouragement, validation, support, a listening ear. This was and is not his role.
So now that he has not spoken to me in over a month, I have lost my sense of self. Who I am. I am drastically trying to engage him in conversation and fear that it is bordering on harassment.
This is not the person I want to be. I feel crazy in doing this. And he probably thinks that I am crazy the more I try to engage with him.
I despise myself for the person I become in doing this, as I am sure and fear he despises me in this way as well.
I've asked him on multiple occasions how to engage properly....his response was. "I never said it was a problem, I just confirmed you engage a lot."
A little over a month before he stopped talking to me he asked me, "Why do I keep talking to him, and what is it that he could do for me?"
I responded with what he had done. My identity for so long was with the negative engagement I had with a certain professionalism, and for the last while, since our engagement, that negative engagement has turned into a more positive form. Who I was and am was identified as that.
Now that I have lost the positive engagement, I've lost a sense of who I am, and I don't know how to get that back.
As a person with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel abandoned. The first "symptom" in the DSM manual. I am desperately trying to avoid this, and I look and feel like a crazy person, someone I do not wish to be.
So how do I stop this? How do I find my identity again without the engagement? I'll put this out there to the others with the diagnosis, what has helped you?
I think, if anything at all. I wish the opportunity to say goodbye in a healthy form, instead of just abruptly not engaging anymore. And I really wish, he could have provided the details to help me be more appropriate. Because if I don't know I am crossing over boundaries, how do I prevent this from happening in the future with others?
I'm sorry to him of all things. I never meant it to be like this. And I apologize to you profusely for being that person. Ultimately, I am responsible and I take full ownership of that. Please know I never meant any harm.
This is not fun, or funny. It's absolutely agonizing and painful. And I need to find a way to be normal and myself again. Because I'm not a bad person, but I certainly feel like one right now. And because I think and feel it, for me, that's a reality. It's time to think and feel that I am good, right, just, and valuable, without that engagement.
